With a few exceptions I feel like lately I’ve gotten little respect in return for the respect I give others.
What I mean by this is, I feel like I’ve gone just about as far as I can go to show and hint to certain people in my life that I genuinely care about them and want to have a good, honest and fruitful relationship with them. I’ve always tried to put other people first in my life, and I hope that people do realize this. Otherwise it’s all been for nothing. What sucks is that when I call for a favor, or a presence at a special event in my life (or even just to hang out and be together), or to fulfill a promise they’d made to me, personal or otherwise, they seem to be conveniently absent. Excuses abound, so many ‘sorry’s, ‘maybe next time’s, ‘wish I could’s, etc… like I’m that naive. Maybe they are, to the fact that they’re hurting someone that cares about them that’s gone up and out of their way to do things and be there for them on a consistent basis…fuck.
Not like I’ve never done this to others though, either. Maybe I’m just as much to blame. Maybe it’s karma. Which makes it that much more depressing to me. I’ve got nobody to blame but myself, right? Maybe the times I had simply forgotten about someone who needed me has come back to haunt me. For that I feel horrible. And maybe with that, I have no right to paste my seemingly knifejabs onto this blog. But in all honesty, I feel like I’ve given much more than I’ve gotten. And that sucks. For some, to me it feels like I should simply sever the ties I’ve got. For others, I feel I need to confront them with my feelings, which I am planning on doing. In the meantime, however, I’m sitting and hoping that maybe with my shift in attitude toward them they would be the one to bring it up. I sure as fuck have done that plenty of times. I’m not afraid to bring up sensitive topics, especially when it comes to the relationship I have with them, feelings, etc.. am I the only one that can do this, though? I don’t think so.
Maybe this is all part of “growing up”. I’m starting to become privy to the casual disregards and white-lies of, ‘Oh so sorry I can’t make it, I have to go do XYZ other commitment”. I’m tired of being pushed aside. Maybe they’ve got their own issues, maybe they simply don’t care for putting forth the same amount of effort I put forth for them. Maybe I’m overthinking things and it’s just part of life when you realize ‘people come and go’.
There are a very small handful of people in my life that I can truly depend on. In the age of “social” networking, troves of methods of communication, the core of being human to each other still lies in the respect and time it takes to form and keep a solid relationship going, IMHO.
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