I’ve learned that people who attempt desperately to convince me of a quality about themselves is simply a (categorically futile) attempt to convince themselves. It’s like their own inner conflict of self identity – what their actual reality and position in life is vs. what they see themselves as ideally… the mask of ‘ideal’ is coming off. Maybe this creates a state of mind in which some may impulsively seek others to help them suffocate their own self doubt instead of doing the hard work to change.
If you feel you are one of these people: you don’t need to tell people how honest and loving and pure you are. They should already know through your past actions, right? To try and convince anyone otherwise is persuasion, and it’s silly.
Own your reality and understand that you’re not fooling anyone, especially yourself.
Some days I feel like the collective consciousness has immense power. Like the stories you hear about large group meditation causing measurable decreases in crime of that particular area. I feel like when large national/world events (I’m looking at you, Democratic debates) seemingly cause even those who aren’t paying attention (me) to be in a certain mood, I remember how strong these intangible concepts really are.
Or maybe it’s just a coincidence.
But probably not.
Good > Evil. Happy > Sad. Love > Hate. Truth > Lies.
I want to steer the collective consciousness toward what’s important to advance our species. This three ring circus is tired. Maybe the ones at the top think they know what they’re doing, but I don’t think so. Most of them likely have no concept of the impact they have. Agendas blanket attention and ant-mode takes over. Get the sugar, bring it back to the nest. Repeat until you’re dead.
What a waste of energy.
Reality is more than individualism. We are all here together. We *chose* to be here. It sucks that a prerequisite to life is the vanishing of the concept of real purpose. But maybe therein lies the mystery to solve. The trick is to keep balance when you’re standing upside down on the ceiling. Maybe I’ll be a gecko in my next life, that would make it easier. Of course, my ability to make change would be much less. Of course it would also be a nice break. Oh well.
She came home yesterday with a bag full of CDs and records.
We joke that since getting a turntable and CD player, we’re going to go broke buying used CDs and records (it’s becoming an addiction)… If we do, at least we’ll have music. We will be happy. And that’s all that matters.
Just now I realized the oven rack we had our pizza on was too high (heh).
I opened the oven quickly, slid the oven rack forward and caught the pizza stone as it slid. I put the pizza on the stove and moved the rack down a space. I took the pizza stone and pizza in my mits and put it back gently onto the more optimally placed rack and closed the oven door.
It was like removing a 4 month old fetus out of the womb and re-inserting it. I felt like a wizard surgeon. I am a wizard surgeon.
Some people spend their whole lives attempting to define who they are as a person.
I’ve come to the realization that ‘who I am’ is in a constant state of flux. To attempt to define something that is always changing is not only pointless and counter-productive but harmful. What if I have future doubts about my definition? What kind of self-conflict would that generate?
There’s a point in family development where the children grow up and should be treated as adults by their parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.. the authority of “elder” must evaporate and mutual respect must be given, as equals. If this shift does not happen and the (now adult) children are continuously treated as inferior, non-authoritative or otherwise, the now adults tend to separate from those who are unwilling or incapable of giving that much needed and deserved respect.
I’m finding out the hard way that my childhood perception of my greater family being such joyous, loving, respectful and honorable people at their core… was pretty much fabricated. My generation is struggling to rise above that illusion and see many of the elders for who they really are when the shit hits the fan.
It’s liberating and terrifying at the same time.
“Now the river’s run dry And everything has died And all the trash on the floor You can’t hide it anymore”
Last night when I was off-site furiously doing a major upgrade on a client’s server I checked my email. I quickly glanced at the RKHUNTER logs sent to me by a script I crafted up a long time ago. They were for my primary Linux system at home. My heart skipped a couple of beats when I saw this:
Warning: Suspicious file types found in /dev: /dev/shm/sem.Schedule: data /dev/shm/sem.Deliver: data /dev/shm/sem.CLOUD: data
Uhhh, what? CLOUD?? Schedule? Deliver? This doesn’t look good.
With my mind in a few different places at once already with the tasks I was involved in, I started mildly freaking out. I couldn’t deal with this as Windows Server 2016 was being a little bitch, taking hours to “update” (READ: puke all over itself and pass out with no indication to me). And for some reason I couldn’t connect to my home VPN to investigate. Uuuuuugh.
For a split second I wondered if it was the FoxIt Reader I installed the other day, but thought to myself, nah – was it even open at the time? Does a PDF reader for Linux need these kinds of functions? I installed FoxIt to get away from Evince as I really, really hate the GTK3 app style, and IMHO Evince has some peculiarities that really got to me over the years…and I’ll be damned if I taint my system with anything created by Adobe (Flash is dead! Long live HTML5!)
Come to find out it actually *was* FoxIt. I came home and found an instance open and closed it – viola, /dev/shm was clean now.I’m going to have to look closer at FoxIt’s license and overall functionality (rather the ability to disable some of it) if it is in fact doing “cloud” things without me specifically telling me to…even if it’s simply loading the function. That’s not how Linux apps should work, IMHO.
I’m impressed with reCaptcha v3. I haven’t gotten any spam through my contact forms on various sites I manage since I installed it.
The best part is that I don’t have to subject any innocent people to clicking on endless pictures of storefronts, cars and traffic signals. I fucking hate that shit. I hate it with a passion. Thank you Google, for making something better.
What I learned about performing music (in the handful of times I actually have gotten to) was that you don’t have to play every note perfectly. Stage presence is more than half of what people remember.
It’s the passion you have that is what makes the art awesome, and people resonate with that more than anything.
EDIT: You know, as long as you’re not absolutely horrible or whatever.
There are events in my life that have evoked immense feelings.
These feelings are very much personal in that I cannot transfer them to another person in a loss-less format. Meaning, I cannot create the exact same feelings in someone that I felt myself during those events. And logically so – we are all individuals and do not have the same life experiences, personalities or egos.
My motivation is to create systems that promote and facilitate the generation of events that evoke FEELING in those present…
So that more people in the world can then say that they have felt something immense…such powerful feelings that they remember them for the rest of their lives. Because that is what life is supposed to be about.
Driving over the mountains this morning, the fog was heavy. Really heavy. It was hard to see through it.
At first it was eerily beautiful, even comforting though cold and unforgiving. A pair of soft black gloves I’d purchased before the end of the year were my companions, along with the music coming from my portable music player attached to my stereo via a long analog cable.
At a point early on I witnessed a collection of bright rays of sunshine searing through tall Redwoods onto the road and across. They looked like sharp swords, angled and digging into the ground all around.
I smiled. To me those rays symbolized hope. If I’d been more preoccupied with the other drivers, the time or what was on my to-do list for today I would have surely missed the magnificent display that nature had presented to me. But I’d driven this road plenty of times before. I was able to focus on what before would have easily been overlooked.
There was a spot after what seemed like an eternity where a break in the clouds took place. I saw the blue sky above me as my 1999 Honda Prelude made quick work of the incline. The break got bigger and the fog dissipated. Somehow I knew everything was going to be ok.
It’s becoming clear to me through the help of family and research that I grew up in a fairly textbook borderline, narcissistic, manipulative and co-dependent environment. It’s a hard reality to accept because as I read about these traits I understand that I inherited them and are a current part of me. Instead of fighting against or dismissing this stuff as hogwash, however, I feel I am strong enough to own it and work with these things to make me a better person and parent to my kids.
Everyone has their demons. Mine are finally getting the spotlight shone on them as of late and even that is extinguishing their toxic influence. I’m very positive about the future and honestly can’t wait to squish these negative personality traits. I’ve hated (but accepted) them as “me” for too long. They are not me, they are the result of a lifetime of exposure and influence to these same qualities in my family (primarily my mom’s).
I feel a lot of guilt that I’ve caused my own children and wife grief because of my lack of understanding that I should not act the way I do at certain times toward them. I feel that my own concentration of these traits is vastly diluted from my mom (my sister and I both agree we’re pretty awesome for being able to recognize and start to work through things – that’s not too narcissistic is it? Heh) but in no way do I consider myself perfect, nor understand the full scope of the result of my experiences on my psyche.
For now Tai-Chi, meditation, music, love and understanding (and maybe motorcycles) will be my tools for recovery/self improvement. I wish the best upon everyone as I know that is what we all deserve.
I turbocharged my keyboard delay & response with xset the other day (‘xset r rate 200 50’).
I’m finally getting used to the increased-rapid-backspace. Before I was really annoyed at both the delay and the rate in which I could backspace. This is nice, almost too fast but like driving a clutch you just get used to it.