It’s becoming clear to me through the help of family and research that I grew up in a fairly textbook borderline, narcissistic, manipulative and co-dependent environment. It’s a hard reality to accept because as I read about these traits I understand that I inherited them and are a current part of me. Instead of fighting against or dismissing this stuff as hogwash, however, I feel I am strong enough to own it and work with these things to make me a better person and parent to my kids.
Everyone has their demons. Mine are finally getting the spotlight shone on them as of late and even that is extinguishing their toxic influence. I’m very positive about the future and honestly can’t wait to squish these negative personality traits. I’ve hated (but accepted) them as “me” for too long. They are not me, they are the result of a lifetime of exposure and influence to these same qualities in my family (primarily my mom’s).
I feel a lot of guilt that I’ve caused my own children and wife grief because of my lack of understanding that I should not act the way I do at certain times toward them. I feel that my own concentration of these traits is vastly diluted from my mom (my sister and I both agree we’re pretty awesome for being able to recognize and start to work through things – that’s not too narcissistic is it? Heh) but in no way do I consider myself perfect, nor understand the full scope of the result of my experiences on my psyche.
For now Tai-Chi, meditation, music, love and understanding (and maybe motorcycles) will be my tools for recovery/self improvement. I wish the best upon everyone as I know that is what we all deserve.
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