The Darkener's Console

> It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

Borderline, Narcissism, Manipulation and Co-Dependence —

It’s becoming clear to me through the help of family and research that I grew up in a fairly textbook borderline, narcissistic, manipulative and co-dependent environment. It’s a hard reality to accept because as I read about these traits I understand that I inherited them and are a current part of me. Instead of fighting against or dismissing this stuff as hogwash, however, I feel I am strong enough to own it and work with these things to make me a better person and parent to my kids.

Everyone has their demons. Mine are finally getting the spotlight shone on them as of late and even that is extinguishing their toxic influence. I’m very positive about the future and honestly can’t wait to squish these negative personality traits. I’ve hated (but accepted) them as “me” for too long. They are not me, they are the result of a lifetime of exposure and influence to these same qualities in my family (primarily my mom’s).

I feel a lot of guilt that I’ve caused my own children and wife grief because of my lack of understanding that I should not act the way I do at certain times toward them. I feel that my own concentration of these traits is vastly diluted from my mom (my sister and I both agree we’re pretty awesome for being able to recognize and start to work through things – that’s not too narcissistic is it? Heh) but in no way do I consider myself perfect, nor understand the full scope of the result of my experiences on my psyche.

For now Tai-Chi, meditation, music, love and understanding (and maybe motorcycles) will be my tools for recovery/self improvement. I wish the best upon everyone as I know that is what we all deserve.


Categorised as: blogs


6 Comments

  1. Gina says:

    Love you!

  2. T--dog says:

    I didn’t know you were struggling with your family to this extent. I just kind of saw you as having a sort of dream life, with your wife and beautiful kids. You told me about some stuff growing up . . . I’m really sorry those things are effecting the way you act.
    I care about you a lot man.

    • The Darkener says:

      Thank you T. I honestly didn’t know I was struggling as much as I have either. It’s becoming clearer as time goes on. By no means has my life been a “dream life”, particularly growing up. Not to say my childhood was 100% horrible at all either. There were many good things about it. I try not to shift blame as the chain of victims likely goes pretty far up the line but it’s hard to dismiss the lack of realization of one’s actions when it is written out – not just by me but by many. Thanks again man, I really appreciate your sentiment.

  3. Gnor says:

    I’m proud of you. =)

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