The Darkener's Console

Your load is too heavy.

Jimbo —

I saw you again
Again in a dream
You weren’t so happy
Happy to see me

You came home and saw me and
I remember your expression
Is it still your fucking chicken?

Back when my games
masked all my tension
Back where the living room
Became your regression

You were a shim
To hold a woman together
She didn’t get any better
And you broke me apart

You’re still in this limbo
Did you throw in the towel?
Grow out your bowels?
I saw you again
You’re still so angry
But somhow my sanity’s making me
Making me

Whatever you need
You won’t get it from me
You won’t get it from me

But for whatever I did
By being neglected
For feeling rejected
I’m sorry
I’m sorry

Now leave this horrid place
You can fly to outer space
Don’t be afraid
Like you were here
To live
To be happy


The FoxIt Linux Fiasco —

Last night when I was off-site furiously doing a major upgrade on a client’s server I checked my email. I quickly glanced at the RKHUNTER logs sent to me by a script I crafted up a long time ago. They were for my primary Linux system at home. My heart skipped a couple of beats when I saw this:

Warning: Suspicious file types found in /dev:
/dev/shm/sem.Schedule: data
/dev/shm/sem.Deliver: data
/dev/shm/sem.CLOUD: data

Uhhh, what? CLOUD?? Schedule? Deliver? This doesn’t look good.

With my mind in a few different places at once already with the tasks I was involved in, I started mildly freaking out. I couldn’t deal with this as Windows Server 2016 was being a little bitch, taking hours to “update” (READ: puke all over itself and pass out with no indication to me). And for some reason I couldn’t connect to my home VPN to investigate. Uuuuuugh.

For a split second I wondered if it was the FoxIt Reader I installed the other day, but thought to myself, nah – was it even open at the time? Does a PDF reader for Linux need these kinds of functions? I installed FoxIt to get away from Evince as I really, really hate the GTK3 app style, and IMHO Evince has some peculiarities that really got to me over the years…and I’ll be damned if I taint my system with anything created by Adobe (Flash is dead! Long live HTML5!)

Come to find out it actually *was* FoxIt. I came home and found an instance open and closed it – viola, /dev/shm was clean now.I’m going to have to look closer at FoxIt’s license and overall functionality (rather the ability to disable some of it) if it is in fact doing “cloud” things without me specifically telling me to…even if it’s simply loading the function. That’s not how Linux apps should work, IMHO.

reCaptcha v3 —

I’m impressed with reCaptcha v3. I haven’t gotten any spam through my contact forms on various sites I manage since I installed it.

The best part is that I don’t have to subject any innocent people to clicking on endless pictures of storefronts, cars and traffic signals. I fucking hate that shit. I hate it with a passion. Thank you Google, for making something better.

Performing Music —

What I learned about performing music (in the handful of times I actually have gotten to) was that you don’t have to play every note perfectly. Stage presence is more than half of what people remember.

It’s the passion you have that is what makes the art awesome, and people resonate with that more than anything.

EDIT: You know, as long as you’re not absolutely horrible or whatever.

Feelings —

There are events in my life that have evoked immense feelings.

These feelings are very much personal in that I cannot transfer them to another person in a loss-less format. Meaning, I cannot create the exact same feelings in someone that I felt myself during those events. And logically so – we are all individuals and do not have the same life experiences, personalities or egos.

My motivation is to create systems that promote and facilitate the generation of events that evoke FEELING in those present…

So that more people in the world can then say that they have felt something immense…such powerful feelings that they remember them for the rest of their lives. Because that is what life is supposed to be about.

Fog —

Driving over the mountains this morning, the fog was heavy. Really heavy. It was hard to see through it.

At first it was eerily beautiful, even comforting though cold and unforgiving. A pair of soft black gloves I’d purchased before the end of the year were my companions, along with the music coming from my portable music player attached to my stereo via a long analog cable.

At a point early on I witnessed a collection of bright rays of sunshine searing through tall Redwoods onto the road and across. They looked like sharp swords, angled and digging into the ground all around.

I smiled. To me those rays symbolized hope. If I’d been more preoccupied with the other drivers, the time or what was on my to-do list for today I would have surely missed the magnificent display that nature had presented to me. But I’d driven this road plenty of times before. I was able to focus on what before would have easily been overlooked.

There was a spot after what seemed like an eternity where a break in the clouds took place. I saw the blue sky above me as my 1999 Honda Prelude made quick work of the incline. The break got bigger and the fog dissipated. Somehow I knew everything was going to be ok.

Borderline, Narcissism, Manipulation and Co-Dependence —

It’s becoming clear to me through the help of family and research that I grew up in a fairly textbook borderline, narcissistic, manipulative and co-dependent environment. It’s a hard reality to accept because as I read about these traits I understand that I inherited them and are a current part of me. Instead of fighting against or dismissing this stuff as hogwash, however, I feel I am strong enough to own it and work with these things to make me a better person and parent to my kids.

Everyone has their demons. Mine are finally getting the spotlight shone on them as of late and even that is extinguishing their toxic influence. I’m very positive about the future and honestly can’t wait to squish these negative personality traits. I’ve hated (but accepted) them as “me” for too long. They are not me, they are the result of a lifetime of exposure and influence to these same qualities in my family (primarily my mom’s).

I feel a lot of guilt that I’ve caused my own children and wife grief because of my lack of understanding that I should not act the way I do at certain times toward them. I feel that my own concentration of these traits is vastly diluted from my mom (my sister and I both agree we’re pretty awesome for being able to recognize and start to work through things – that’s not too narcissistic is it? Heh) but in no way do I consider myself perfect, nor understand the full scope of the result of my experiences on my psyche.

For now Tai-Chi, meditation, music, love and understanding (and maybe motorcycles) will be my tools for recovery/self improvement. I wish the best upon everyone as I know that is what we all deserve.

Linux Keyboard Settings (x11) —

I turbocharged my keyboard delay & response with xset the other day (‘xset r rate 200 50’).

I’m finally getting used to the increased-rapid-backspace. Before I was really annoyed at both the delay and the rate in which I could backspace. This is nice, almost too fast but like driving a clutch you just get used to it.

Little White Lies —

(Instrumental acoustic guitar – work in progress)


Your little white lies
They’re passing me by
You think I’m a fool
You got things to do

Your little white lies
You don’t even try
I was always there for you
I’m so through with you

I’m gonna rise above it
So take your words and shove it

Now the river’s run dry
And everything has died
And all the trash on the floor
You can’t hide it anymore

So what’s with you, man?
You’d rather sit than to stand
There’s so much for us to do
Wanna do it with you
Wanna do it with you
With you

Time is running out, my friend

What the fuck are we gonna do

Maybe someday we’ll heal
And the mountains will feel
Fire’s making its run
It’s gonna burn till it’s done

d3cl4r4710n 0f 1nd3p3nd3nc3 —

3 h0ld 7h353 7ru7h5 70 b3 53lf-3v1d3n7, 7h47 4ll m3n 4r3 cr3473d 3qu4l, 7h47 7h3y 4r3 3nd0w3d by 7h31r cr3470r w17h c3r741n un4l13n4bl3 r16h75, 7h47 4m0n6 7h353 4r3 l1f3, l1b3r7y 4nd 7h3 pur5u17 0f h4pp1n355.–7h47 70 53cur3 7h353 r16h75, 60v3rnm3n75 4r3 1n5717u73d 4m0n6 m3n, d3r1v1n6 7h31r ju57 p0w3r5 fr0m 7h3 c0n53n7 0f 7h3 60v3rn3d, –7h47 wh3n3v3r 4ny f0rm 0f 60v3rnm3n7 b3c0m35 d357ruc71v3 0f 7h353 3nd5, 17 15 7h3 r16h7 0f 7h3 p30pl3 70 4l73r 0r 70 4b0l15h 17, 4nd 70 1n5717u73 n3w 60v3rnm3n7, l4y1n6 175 f0und4710n 0n 5uch pr1nc1pl35 4nd 0r64n1z1n6 175 p0w3r5 1n 5uch f0rm, 45 70 7h3m 5h4ll 533m m057 l1k3ly 70 3ff3c7 7h31r 54f37y 4nd h4pp1n355. prud3nc3, 1nd33d, w1ll d1c7473 7h47 60v3rnm3n75 l0n6 3574bl15h3d 5h0uld n07 b3 ch4n63d f0r l16h7 4nd 7r4n513n7 c4u535; 4nd 4cc0rd1n6ly 4ll 3xp3r13nc3 h47h 5h3wn, 7h47 m4nk1nd 4r3 m0r3 d15p053d 70 5uff3r, wh1l3 3v1l5 4r3 5uff3r4bl3, 7h4n 70 r16h7 7h3m53lv35 by 4b0l15h1n6 7h3 f0rm5 70 wh1ch 7h3y 4r3 4ccu570m3d. bu7 wh3n 4 l0n6 7r41n 0f 4bu535 4nd u5urp4710n5, pur5u1n6 1nv4r14bly 7h3 54m3 0bj3c7 3v1nc35 4 d3516n 70 r3duc3 7h3m und3r 4b50lu73 d35p0715m, 17 15 7h31r r16h7, 17 15 7h31r du7y, 70 7hr0w 0ff 5uch 60v3rnm3n7, 4nd 70 pr0v1d3 n3w 6u4rd5 f0r 7h31r fu7ur3 53cur17y.–5uch h45 b33n 7h3 p4713n7 5uff3r4nc3 0f 7h353 c0l0n135; 4nd 5uch 15 n0w 7h3 n3c35517y wh1ch c0n57r41n5 7h3m 70 4l73r 7h31r f0rm3r 5y573m5 0f 60v3rnm3n7. 7h3 h1570ry 0f 7h3 pr353n7 k1n6 0f 6r347 br1741n 15 4 h1570ry 0f r3p3473d 1njur135 4nd u5urp4710n5, 4ll h4v1n6 1n d1r3c7 0bj3c7 7h3 3574bl15hm3n7 0f 4n 4b50lu73 7yr4nny 0v3r 7h353 574735. 70 pr0v3 7h15, l37 f4c75 b3 5ubm1773d 70 4 c4nd1d w0rld.

(Thanks to Universal Leet Converter)

Between Angels and Insects (Papa Roach/Jacoby Shaddix) —

My favorite block from Between Angels and Insects (youtube):

Because everything is nothing
And emptiness isn’t everything
This reality is really just a fucked up dream
With the flesh and the blood that you call your soul
Flip it inside out, it’s a big black hole
Take your money burn it up like an asteroid
Possession, though you’re never gonna fill the void
Take it away and learn your best lesson
The heart, the soul, the life, the passion


Regarding UI/UX Design —

Reading comments on this Slashdot article and I found this very insightful comment by houghi regarding software user interfaces:

“I liked it when each part of the software did its own thing and you could exchange it for something else, without any issues.

Now we have a bootmanager that tries to do everything, starting a kernel that tries to do everything, running a windowmanager that tries to do everything, so we can start a browser that tries to do everything, to visit a website that tries to do everything, run by a company that wants to control everything.”

Buzzwords —

“Hyper[insertwordhere]” is becoming annoying. I noticed this buzzword during the 2016 U.S. presidential elections and it seems to still be going strong. It’s annoying, but also interesting as a study in popular journalism trends. Trendsetters can use words like this to ‘boost’ their stories and ideas because of the effect of familiarity and repetition. Which is a whole other can of worms I haven’t opened yet on this blog, particularly in regards to music.

I’m hyperannoyed. =p

My Dead Friend —

I wrote this a number of years ago for a good friend when I was concerned he was going to commit suicide. It’s always been one of my favorites.

My Dead Friend
Why did you end it
You weren't an enumerate

My dead friend
You weren't what you think
I wish I'd taught you to blink

We both knew the future
But we were bluffing this game
You masqueraded his name

My dead friend
You'll see the pattern
You'll find what matters


I’m currently listening to this for the first time since the mid-90’s (my brother owned this tape along with other Van Halen albums, my gratitude goes out to him for introducing me to then “modern” rock music and not just the oldies that our father’s jukebox played and the cheezy light-pop music of the local radio stations in our area).

I remember so much of this album – the lyrics, the melodies, the bass lines, it’s weird to think about. My memory chooses to remember the subtle nuances of each of these tracks, these songs, 23+ years later.

The Building (Dream) —

I had a dream this morning about a building.

  • I had to go to the bathroom
  • I had apparently been working I.T. in floors 1-3 of the building for the entirety of my career (20+ years)

I went up to the 4th floor of the building (toward the top). When I got there, there were all “creative” people there. Artists, entrepreneurs, free thinkers, musicians, you name it. The 4th floor of this building represented creative ‘space’. I introduced myself. I remember smiling, and them being very nice in return. I told them that I’d been working I.T. on the bottom 3 floors for the past 15-20 years, and that I was happy to have made it up here. I really liked being there.

I believe that the building represents my mind, my position in life, my being.

I’ve been stuck on floors 1-3 for most of my life (logical thinking). I have always wanted to spend the bulk of my time on the 4th floor (the creative plane). I feel like this dream was a metaphor for what it will be like when I’m able to move from doing mostly I.T. work to mostly creative endeavors like SubJam.

I’ve had a fortune from a cookie for the past year, at least, in my desk. This morning I taped it to the top of my USB audio interface that sits on my desk. It says, “YOUR DREAMS WILL BECOME REALITY”.

I’m ready.

“Become a merchant in the gift economy” —

Lauren and Jay -
“Become a merchant in the gift economy”

I am saddened this morning at a news story about a couple who had been cycling across the world who were killed by supposed ISIS members for no real reason other than the reported ‘they were non-believers’.

However, their story is much more than that as I found their blog. Not sure how long it’ll stay up, but it is a very interesting and enlightening read. Lauren and Jay are two people who set out to see the real world and share it with the Internet community. I thank them for this, even if postmortem. Maybe a silver lining is that this story has helped boost their message about humanity. Even if no good deed goes unpunished, that silver lining cannot be erased.

“Become a merchant in the gift economy.”

Amish —

Maybe the Amish are on the right track after all.

It’s going to continue to get harder and harder for the general population to discern between reality and a fabrication. I feel a recursive trend here. Maybe we really are living in a holographic universe.

Mudvayne – “Choices” —

A song from a long time ago that couldn’t be more relevant today in the United States (and around the world)..

Choices” (Mudvayne):

Leaders are guilty of nothing
They’re perfectly insane
But if they’d point the finger at themselves
Who would be left to blame

Lead into grace
Lead to corruption
A truth or lie has to be spoken
King or con has to be chosen
Way of life complete or broken… broken

No more… choices
No more… choices
No more… choices

Leaders are guilty of nothing
They’re perfectly insane
But if they’d point the finger at themselves
Who would be left to blame

Follow truth or stutter through a lie
Will to push or give up and fall behind
Live with peace or nurture your tragic life
Bite the bullet or swallow it whole

Leaders are guilty of nothing
They’re perfectly insane
But if they’d point the finger at themselves
Who would be left to blame
Point the finger at yourself

There’s no choice
Anymore anyway…

We don’t have a choice
Anymore anyway
We don’t have a voice
Anymore Anyway

There’s no choice in freedom
There’s no voice in freedom
We don’t have a choice
Anymore anyway
We don’t have a voice
Anymore anyway
There’s no choice in freedom
There’s no voice in freedom

Leaders are guilty of nothing
They’re perfectly insane
But if they’d point the finger at themselves
Who would be left to blame

They’re lost system of destruction
Flush all hope down the drain
But if they’d point the finger at themselves
Who is left to blame
Who is left to blame

We don’t have a choice
Anymore anyway
We don’t have a voice
Anymore anyway
There’s no choice in freedom
There’s no voice in freedom
We don’t have a choice
Anymore anyway
We don’t have a voice
Anymore anyway

There’s no choice in freedom
There’s no voice in freedom
We don’t have a choice
Anymore anyway
We don’t have a voice
Anymore anyway

We don’t have a reason
Anymore anyway
We don’t have control
Anymore anyway
We don’t have opinions
Anymore anyway

There’s no choice in freedom
There’s no voice in freedom

Freedom, buy in
Freedom, sell out
Freedom, betray
Freedom, lay down
Freedom, corrupt
Freedom, opinion
Freedom, give up
Freedom, give in

Mutual Respect —

With a few exceptions I feel like lately I’ve gotten little respect in return for the respect I give others.

What I mean by this is, I feel like I’ve gone just about as far as I can go to show and hint to certain people in my life that I genuinely care about them and want to have a good, honest and fruitful relationship with them. I’ve always tried to put other people first in my life, and I hope that people do realize this. Otherwise it’s all been for nothing. What sucks is that when I call for a favor, or a presence at a special event in my life (or even just to hang out and be together), or to fulfill a promise they’d made to me, personal or otherwise, they seem to be conveniently absent. Excuses abound, so many ‘sorry’s, ‘maybe next time’s, ‘wish I could’s, etc… like I’m that naive. Maybe they are, to the fact that they’re hurting someone that cares about them that’s gone up and out of their way to do things and be there for them on a consistent basis…fuck.

Not like I’ve never done this to others though, either. Maybe I’m just as much to blame. Maybe it’s karma. Which makes it that much more depressing to me. I’ve got nobody to blame but myself, right? Maybe the times I had simply forgotten about someone who needed me has come back to haunt me. For that I feel horrible. And maybe with that, I have no right to paste my seemingly knifejabs onto this blog. But in all honesty, I feel like I’ve given much more than I’ve gotten. And that sucks. For some, to me it feels like I should simply sever the ties I’ve got. For others, I feel I need to confront them with my feelings, which I am planning on doing. In the meantime, however, I’m sitting and hoping that maybe with my shift in attitude toward them they would be the one to bring it up. I sure as fuck have done that plenty of times. I’m not afraid to bring up sensitive topics, especially when it comes to the relationship I have with them, feelings, etc.. am I the only one that can do this, though? I don’t think so.

Maybe this is all part of “growing up”. I’m starting to become privy to the casual disregards and white-lies of, ‘Oh so sorry I can’t make it, I have to go do XYZ other commitment”. I’m tired of being pushed aside. Maybe they’ve got their own issues, maybe they simply don’t care for putting forth the same amount of effort I put forth for them. Maybe I’m overthinking things and it’s just part of life when you realize ‘people come and go’.

There are a very small handful of people in my life that I can truly depend on. In the age of “social” networking, troves of methods of communication, the core of being human to each other still lies in the respect and time it takes to form and keep a solid relationship going, IMHO.

Shamus Dead-End —

When I was 5 or so I’d get to this point in the game every once in a while. It’s always stuck in my mind. Back then, “Shamus” was its own universe to me, an entire world in and of itself – and I’d found a “dead end”. It was mystifying to me, like standing at the edge of the world and all existence. Now, it holds nostalgia for that feeling that comes, these days, in different forms.